


In Which Lee Mack Tortures David Mitchell, but It Turns out Well in the End

by Rimedio



Category: Would I Lie To You? RPF
Genre: Awkward Flirting, First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-18
Updated: 2014-12-18
Packaged: 2018-03-02 00:21:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2792987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rimedio/pseuds/Rimedio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>David must survive the minefield of personal revelations and suggestive commentary that is a <i>Would I Lie To You</i> taping, preferably with his dignity intact, and ideally without revealing to Lee the effect he has on David.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Which Lee Mack Tortures David Mitchell, but It Turns out Well in the End

**Author's Note:**

  * For [scheherazade](https://archiveofourown.org/users/scheherazade/gifts).



> This is a no wives/girlfriends/kids universe. Lee and David are both single in this story.
> 
> Additionally, in this story Rhod Gilbert is gay. This is due to a misunderstanding I had when listening to an Unbelievable Truth episode (10x2) which I felt implied that Rhod and Lloyd Langford were in a romantic relationship. I have since discovered that this is false, but have appropriated that accidental AU Rhod for this story.
> 
> Thanks so much to my beta [lanalucy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/lanalucy/pseuds/lanalucy).

David suspects conspiracy.  He would protest if he didn't think it would make him look crazy.  Or homophobic.  Today's line-up consists of John Barrowman and Rhod Gilbert on Lee's team, and Sandi Toksvig and Susan Calman on David's.  In the normal way he wouldn't mind all the guest panellists being gay.  If he had noticed at all it would have been a bit of a laugh and he might have made some suggestive jokes and pretended to come on to John Barrowman or something.  It would have been awkward, but in a fun way, not a heart-stopping-fear-of-discovery way, and oh god, even if he doesn't come on to John, John will most certainly come on to him.  Especially as he is on the opposing team, and if there has been one thing shown about David in his history on panel shows, it is that flirting with him is the quickest way to throw him off his game.  And that fact, of course, is the one responsible for his current predicament.

 

~~

 

"When I was eight, I locked my best friend in my closet and didn't let him out for three hours."

Years of playing this game with Lee has given David a pretty good sense of when he is lying, and he seems completely truthful about this.  Of course he hasn't had a chance to add any insane details to the story yet.

"What happened at the end of three hours?" David asks.

"His parents came to pick him up and made me let him out," Lee says, "and the way my parents went on about it...made me want to lock myself in the closet."

"I see. So, uh, why did you lock him in your closet?"

"I had a huge crush on him, and I didn't know how to cope with it.  I mean I was eight!  Anyway, I had this mad idea that if I locked him in my closet his parents couldn't take him home and then he could stay with my family."

And with that, David's world tilts on its axis.  This is not experimental Dave the 'D' in Bermuda, obviously a joke in aid of a lie. No, this is the truth, and David is frozen when he should have already come up with a quip about metaphorical versus physical closets. Lee's dangled it right out in front of him, but his brain is still caught trying to assimilate this wholly unexpected bit of new information and Lee is staring at him and knows something is up but probably (hopefully) doesn't know what yet.  So with a monumental effort David pulls himself together and offers "So you locked him in the closet Lee?  Your subconscious must have been very proud of you."

It's not up to his usual standards at all, but the audience laughs and it serves to move the show on.  David stores away his consternation and mental disarray to deal with later and tries valiantly not to think about this particular truth for the rest of the show.

 

Of course Lee corners David afterwards.  Well not so much corners as falls into step beside him and asks casually, "Does it make you uncomfortable that I bat for both teams, Mitchell?"

The honest answer is yes, it makes David supremely uncomfortable, but not for the reason Lee will think.  They flirt onstage all  the time and, to David's mind, that sort of flirtation is fine, great even, as long as neither party is attracted to the other, or there is an ironclad reason any attraction is hopeless and therefore irrelevant, like for example, a sexuality that excludes one’s flirtation partner on the basis of gender.  If pressed, David would have to admit that he added the second clause when he simultaneously realized that he really would like to give in to the sexual tension Lee is always joking about, and that there was no way to stop the outrageous public flirting short of quitting _Would I Lie To You,_ or having the most humiliating conversation of his life with Lee, and then probably having to quit out of embarrassment anyway.  This new revelation means he's back to feeling like his onstage flirting is kind of inappropriate and creepy, but not being able to stop it without baring his soul and/or giving up one of his favourite gigs.  It's at this point in his thought process that David realizes he's been silent too long and tries to come up with something to say other than the truth.  Too late.

"Well, wouldn't have taken you for a homophobe, David.  Poncy little wanker you are," Lee says bitterly, "Course maybe that's why.  Gotta hang on tighter to your precious masculinity when you don't have much of it."

"No!" David defends himself loudly, "No, no, Lee... not... no.  That's not...  I don't care, Lee.  It's just...just a surprise, that's all."

"It was really that much of a surprise to you?" Lee asks.

"Yes!" David cries. "Lee, we've been doing this show for _years._   I thought I knew everything about you by now.  It's just a shock to find out I didn't know something this big."

"Is it really such a big deal?" Lee asks, "I mean I know we joke about fancying, well, everyone on set, but that's just stage banter, it's not real life.  My real sexuality just seems kind of, um, irrelevant."

"Irrelevant!?" squeaks David.

"What's your problem David?  I know repression is your comedic thing, but life does not need to imitate art to this extent."

"Who’s talking about repression?" David retorts, "I'm just saying we do a show about truth and lies, and this particular truth was a kind of a surprising one to come to light literally years after we started revealing embarrassing personal details on national television."

"And I'm saying it's your emotional repression that's making you have to re-evaluate those _years_ as you say, of interaction in a new light now," Lee responds.

"Relax Lee, you can still put your ear on my stomach if you think it's the best way to get laughs," David says.

"Oh, you think I did it for the laughs, do you?" Lee responds playfully, pretending to give David a once-over.  David makes an undignified "eep" noise.  "This is what I mean Mitchell, repressed is what you are.  You might want to work on that."

And with that parting shot, Lee disappears into his dressing room, not giving David the chance to explain that he's built his career around being repressed and apologetic precisely because that is what comes most naturally to him.

 

The next time David sees Lee, at an _Unbelievable Truth_ taping, everything seems perfectly normal.  The banter flows easily and Lee's assertion that armadillos are technically insects gives David the perfect opening for a delicious rant about things that are technically other things, but shouldn't be.  It's fantastic and fun, and not sexually charged in any way which is an incredible relief.

As is usual, everyone with no better place to be heads to the pub post-taping, a group which includes both David and Lee.  David always enjoys the opportunity to see Lee socially, and after the delightfully normal taping he's looking forward to drinks and comfortable conversation as usual.  It all goes with a swing until the pub begins to fill up with other groups encroaching on their space and forcing them to squeeze in more tightly around their table.

David finds himself squashed between Lucy and Lee.  Normally, he would be quite uncomfortable with all the bodily contact, but halfway through his third pint he's relaxed enough to go with the flow.  He doesn't even flinch when Lee's arm comes over his shoulder on its way to tap Lucy for attention.  Unfortunately, once Lucy's attention has been had, Lee does not remove his arm but lets his body follow it, plastering himself across David's back to speak in her ear.  David curls forward, attempting to give them more space and also remove himself from some of the touching.  Even though he didn't initiate the touching, he still feels weird about enjoying it, or rather filing it away to enjoy later when he doesn't feel so awkward and uncomfortable.

Of course Lee notices and responds by leaning further onto him and putting his chin on David's shoulder.

"Repressed," Lee tells David.

"Say what?" asks Lucy.

"David's repressed," says Lee.

"Well yes," Lucy agrees, "it's kind of a defining personality trait."

"True," says Lee, "still, I bet I could do something about that."

 _Uh oh,_ thinks David as Lee pats him on the back and finally sits up.

 

David's fears are unfortunately well founded.  During the next _Would I Lie to You_ taping, Lee outdoes himself, somehow managing to flirt with David even while questioning other panellists.

"Tell us Graham," Lee says, "what exactly did you say to your neighbour about the escaped chicken?"

David should be listening to Graham's answer, but instead he's trying to ignore the way Lee's gaze keeps sliding over to him and waiting for the inevitable. _And here it is,_ he thinks.

"You may not know this David, but chickens are actually where eggs come from."

"I know you may find this surprising, Lee, but I have seen chickens before."

"I'm sure you have, David."

And there it is again, Lee's eyes lingering overlong on David.  He feels his face heat.  But why?  There wasn't anything in the least suggestive about that comment.  It's much worse when there is.

"Yes David, please demonstrate," Lee says, nodding at the garishly patterned swimming shorts David is trying to pass off as his own.

David pulls them on over his trousers and Lee woops. 

"Take it off Mitchell!"

Rob interrupts, "Okay guys, settle down.  Now, Lee's team, what do you think? Truth or lie?"

Lee's team decides it's a lie and David would dearly love to be able to shock them with an unexpected truth, but of course he wouldn't he caught dead in those things.  He hates the seaside anyway and Lee knows it.  Rob cracks a joke about how David doesn't even own a pair of swimming trunks.

"Don't like sunbathing, David?" Lee jokes, "Come round to my place sometime and I bet I can cure you of that, too." And he gives David another _look._

What is Lee doing?  Trying to see how far he can go before David spontaneously combusts?  _If so, he probably doesn't have to go much further,_ David thinks.

 

~~

 

Now, today, David wishes he could fall suddenly ill, or faint, or something.  No such luck. The music has finished and Rob is introducing the panellists.  Lee winks across the room and David feels himself flush.  _Keep it together Mitchell, you have an entire show to get through.  You can do it._

 

The first home truth goes to Susan, and David is grateful she is on his team.  Susan can make anything sound outrageous, but she's also done a fair number of actually bizarre things.

"I once snogged David Mitchell."

Oh no.  Not that incident. Really shouldn't this truth have been run by him?  He is after all an intimate (ahem) part of it.  The laughter is deafening and David's concentrating so hard on keeping his face still that he almost misses Lee's first question, thankfully directed at Susan, although he's sure he'll be in for it soon enough.

"Does David remember this incident?" Lee asks.

"I think so," Susan answers, "he wasn't as drunk as I was and I remember it."

"What precipitated the snog?" John asks, "I mean generally speaking, you don't go 'round snogging blokes."

"He was clean shaven at the time," Susan offers, making David splutter indignantly.

"I think I can be differentiated from a woman by a bit more than my beard!"

"I'm sure you can be, David," Lee says smarmily, actually licking his lips.

David would be completely mortified if the audience didn't love it so much.  They are laughing and clapping though, so he settles for a terse "Thank you" to more laughter and lets Susan actually answer John's question.

"It was at a Radio 4 New Year’s Eve party" she begins.

"No one parties harder than radio 4," Sandi interjects, completely deadpan.

There is a split-second pause while audience and panel alike consider this statement and then, as one, they all crack up.  David can hardly breathe and Rhod's eyes are leaking tears.  This is exactly why David suggested Sandi come on the show.  Amidst the chaos she is completely composed, attention on Susan, waiting for the story to continue.

"It was a bet," Susan says when everyone has finally calmed down, "We'd all had a few, some more than others, and some bloke, I don't remember who, was being a bit of an ass and said that he could never kiss a man because he’s straight.  And I said that's insane, kissing's kissing and-"

"Hang on," Rhod interrupts, "'Kissing's kissing,' what's that supposed to mean?"

"I was pissed, Rhod," Susan says, exasperated, "I just meant you don't need to fancy someone to enjoy kissing them."

"And that naturally led to you kissing David," Rob says, looking sceptical.

"Well he said, 'how do you know, have you ever kissed a bloke?' and I had to admit I hadn't, and he said he bet I couldn't do it, so I said I certainly could, and he said he'd bet me a fiver I wouldn't kiss David Mitchell and I told him I couldn't be bought like that, so he said if I kissed David he would too.  So I did it."

"Why David?" Lee asks.

"He was unluckily standing next to us, getting another cup of punch."

"So what, you just grabbed him and started snogging?" Rhod asks.

"Pretty much." Susan shrugs.

"What about the other bloke," John asks, "did he hold up his end of the deal."

"By the time I surfaced, he'd gone," Susan replies, "His loss."

"What do you mean 'his loss'?" Lee asks.

"The thing is," Susan says, "David is an excellent kisser.  Proved my point completely. As long as the action stays above the waist I'd kiss David anytime."

The audience and Lee go “oooh” and Rob makes a comical disbelieving face at the camera.  David keep his blankest owl look on his face even as he is secretly flattered by Susan's words.

"Okay, Lee's team, what do you think?" Rob asks.

"We haven't questioned David yet!" Lee protests.

"You don't get to question David," Rob says, "It's Susan's truth.  Now I'm going to have to press you, is it true, or do you think it's a lie?"

Lee's team consult and decide it's a lie.

"Tell us Susan, is it a truth, or a is it a lie," Rob says.

"It's... true!" Susan crows, and pushes her button.

"David!" Lee exclaims as the audience laughs and claps. He catches David's eye again, and holds it just a beat too long for David's comfort.

 

The next home truth goes to John.

"At the end of Torchwood filming I was given Jack Harkness's coat, and my husband regularly asks me to wear it," John reads.

"Why, uh, why did they give you Jack Harkness's coat?" David asks. "It seems like a pretty big memento."

"Well, after _Children of Earth,_ we didn't know if the show was going to continue at all, so the producer just said 'If you want the Captain Jack coat, it's yours,'" John replies.

"Can producers make that kind of decision?"

"Producers can do anything they like, right David?"  Lee winks.

"What do you think I know about it!?" David protests, "I'm not a producer!"

"But you wish you were." Lee smirks.

David is indignant, "No I don't!"

"So did they make you give the coat back when they did do another series?" Susan interjects.

"Nah, told the Americans they had to find their own."

David is keen to move on to the humorous thrust of the situation, "Okay, so when did you notice your husband had a thing for the coat?"

"Oh, I've always known that," John replies, "He used to come by the _Doctor Who_ set because he liked to see me and David in our coats."

"How do you know that's why he was coming to the set?" Sandi asks.

John grins at her, "He used to make us pose for pictures."

"So David, what do you think? Is John telling the truth?"

"Hang on," says Susan, "we haven't heard what his husband likes him to do in the coat."

"Come over sometime and you can find out." John winks at her and licks his lips suggestively, Susan laughs.

"Well David?" asks Rob again.

David consults with his team and they decide it's probably not true, and if it is they want the phone number of John's producer.

"So John, were you telling the truth? Or was it a lie?" asks Rob.

"I was telling the complete and total," there is a pregnant pause, "yeah you got me, it's a lie," says John.  The audience claps and David's team grin at each other.

 

"Our next round is called 'this is mine' where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.  This week each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest, and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.  So please welcome this week's special guest, Bryn."

The music swells and a wiry middle aged woman walks out.  Rob nods his welcome to her and then turns to Susan.

"So, Susan, what is Bryn to you?"

"This is Bryn. When we were teenagers we used to play a game called _slodging_ in Glasgow city centre."

"Okay, now Sandi, how do you know Bryn?"

"This is Bryn. She was my exchange student when we were children."

"Finally David, what's your connection to Bryn?"

"This is Bryn. When there was a hotel room mixup during the Edinburgh Fringe, she let me sleep on her sofa."

"All right, Lee's team, where do you want to start?"

Lee looks at Susan.

"Susan, can you explain _slodging_ to us?"

"Well," Susan begins, "it was a bit naughty."

"Oh it was, was it?" John says.

"Not sexy naughty.  It involved some light breaking and entering."

"This is starting to sound fun," Lee says enthusiastically, "walk us through it please."

"We pretended we were urban guerrillas who were planning on blowing up the Town Hall or some other target.  We would sneak into the place to spy out the best spot to plant our bombs."

"You're saying you would creep around important buildings in Glasgow in black leotards? How did you not get arrested?" Rhod asks.

"Guerrillas not ninjas Rhod. The idea was to be as inconspicuous as possible.  We didn't get arrested but we did almost get caught a couple of times."

"What places did you scout?" Lee asks.

"I know the best places to plant a bomb in most of central Glasgow."

"Specifics Susan, just make up some Scottish sounding places."

"What are the places you were nearly caught?" John asks.

"Erm, well, our closest call was in the Glasgow City Chambers. We ran into a security guard in a part of the building definitely closed to the public.  Bryn talked us out of that one by convincing him we got lost trying to find her Mum's office."

While Lee's team thinks about this, Rob takes the opportunity to move the show forward.

"So Lee, who else to do you want to question?"

"All right, Sandi, you say Bryn was your exchange student. How old were you at the time?"

"I was, um, I think eleven or twelve."

"Right, and how long did Bryn stay with your family?"

"About a month."

"So she went to school with you?"

"No, it was during summer holidays."

"Wait wait wait," Rhod interrupts, "she was an exchange student but she didn't go to school with you?"

"The exchange program was through school," Sandi replies, "but she just came to experience Danish culture, not take classes in a language she didn't understand."

"I believe her," Rhod announces.

"All right then," Lee says.  "Okay, David, take us through your story again."

"Um... it was the first year _The Unbelievable Truth_ went to the Fringe. Rhod, I think you were there."

"Yes I was, and I think I would have remembered if you ended up sleeping on a strange woman's sofa."

"It was after the show I realized there was a problem.  I'd come in that morning and gone directly to the tent."

"What, no primping ahead of time?" Rhod asks.

"He primps in the green room," Lee tells Rhod, "Don't you, David?"  He grins.

"I, uh, well.... anyway, I got to the hotel in the evening and discovered they'd lost my booking.  As you can imagine during the Fringe there wasn't an extra room, so Bryn said I could sleep on her sofa."

"I feel like we're missing some major parts of this story," John says.

"Yeah David," Lee adds, "come clean. Did you really kip on the sofa, or was it a little more exciting than that?" This is of course accompanied by an exaggerated leer which morphs into something much warmer and more genuine for an instant — so short David wonders if he imagined it — before falling back into the usual sardonic smirk.

"Err, hem! No. Everything was completely aboveboard. Bryn was the receptionist at the hotel where I was supposed to have been booked.  She saw me starting to panic and offered me a place to sleep."

"Maybe," Lee says, "they didn't really lose your booking.  Maybe she's one of your many adoring fans just looking for a way to get a bit closer to you.  Maybe she was devastated when you took her offer at face value and actually slept on the sofa."

Bryn, who has been admirably still up to this point is now clearly struggling to keep from laughing.

"No," David says in his very serious voice, "No Lee, irresistible as you may find me, she was just being friendly." David is inwardly pleased by the affronted look this comment brings to Lee's face. "In fact, the reason I had to sleep on the sofa was that she already had guests staying in her spare bedroom."

"All right," Rob says, "Lee's team, who do you think Bryn really is? Susan's teenaged troublemaker, Sandi's foreign friend, or David's sofa saviour?"

"Well I think it's Sandi," says Rhod, "her story's the only plausible one."

"So you think Sandi, what about you John?" Lee asks.

"I think it's David," replies John, "I can just imagine him getting all panicky and helpless and someone taking pity on him."

It takes a lot of effort for David not to protest this characterization of himself, but far be it from him to prevent them choosing the wrong story.

"So Rhod says Sandi, and John says David.  What are you going to say, Lee?" Rob says.

"Hmmm, I don't think David's story is believable.  I think he'd catch a train back to London before imposing on a complete stranger.  We'll say Sandi."

"Okay, you're going with Sandi. Bryn, can you reveal your true identity?"

"I'm Bryn, and Susan and I used to go _slodging_ in Glasgow city centre."

Lee's team groans as the audience laughs and applauds.

 

"Welcome to our final round, Quick-fire Lies," Rob announces," where the panellists lie not only through their teeth, but against the clock. We will start with... and it's David."

"I have a bedtime routine that I must follow strictly, or I cannot sleep."

 _Not today,_ David thinks, _I really can't deal with Lee picking apart my bedroom habits right now._

Heedless of David's inner monologue Lee starts right in. "So what does this routine consist of David? Be specific."

"Well, first I put the kettle on," he begins.

"No David, that's your morning routine."  Lee raises his eyebrow as if he has experience with David's morning routine. David glares at him.

"Not for tea, Lee!"

More laughter.  More glares from David.

"First I put the kettle on and whilst the water is heating I put away the dishes from the dish drainer.  Then I fill my hot water bottle and turn down my bed, placing the hot water bottle about where my feet are going to go.  Next I wash and put on my pyjamas and dressing gown.  At this point, if it's not too late and I'm not too tired I might have a glass of wine and a bit of reading."

"Go wild, do you?" Lee asks loudly.

"Shut up Lee.  Do you want to hear the rest or just mock me?"

"I want to do both," Lee says, "the former facilitates the latter."

David harrumphs before continuing.

"Then I clean my teeth, get into bed, and do the crossword before turning out the light.  And that's it." He blinks expectantly at Lee's side of the room.

"What newspaper does the crossword come from?" asks Rhod.

"Do you always put the hot water bottle in your bed, even in summer?" This from John.

"Can you not alter this at all if you are going to sleep well?" wonders Lee.

"It's an, uh, a crossword app, on my iPad," David tells Rhod.

"And iPad! Really David?  You can barely work your email, how do you expect us to believe you own an iPad?" Lee exclaims.

"I find the iPad a lot more intuitive than my computer," David replies calmly, "Also, I'll have you know I am very good at email."

"How is it then that you lose email from me on a regular basis?"

"I don't lose it Lee, that's the lie I tell you when I don't want to respond to your messages."

"I should have known!" Lee exclaims, looking theatrically wounded.

"Okay, so," John interjects, "how strictly do you have to stick to this routine?  What happens if you put your pyjamas on first or something?"

"Yeah, and what if there aren't any dishes to put away?" Rhod asks, "Do you have to get some out just so you can put them away at the proper time?"

"That wouldn't, no, that... that would be fine.  What's important is that the essential elements all happen together just before sleep."

"So what's your most pared to the bone routine?" John asks.

"The hot water bottle, washing and pyjamas, and the crossword puzzle in bed."

"And that's the minimum?" Lee asks, "Miss out on any of those things and no sleep for you tonight?"

"Yes," David replies, "I, well you know I travel a lot, so I had to come up with an acceptable substitute for those situations, so, that's it."

"What if you have someone over to, you know, share your bed?"

"Well, thanks to you, that's not a problem these days!" As the words leave his mouth, David realizes what he's saying so he is thankfully able to continue his rant without leaving a pause for Lee (or really anyone) to make a suggestive comment. "Yes you, with your pointy hair and your suave manner and your ability to talk to women!"  All of that is true and the audience is laughing really quite hard now and David feels a really excellent comedic rant coming on.

"What can I say, for a good time, the ladies prefer someone slightly...dangerous," and Lee winks suggestively at David and then the camera.

David is almost derailed with the realization that Lee has not been as taken in by his bluster as everyone else, but years of live comedy experience kicks in and he warms into his tirade even as a small part of his mind goes off by itself and panics wildly.  "But why?  It makes no sense!  Danger should not be a turn-on!  It seems like a self-destructive tendency that evolution should have taken care of by now, but noooo, ladies like a 'bad-boy’," David does the air quotes, "explosive excitement beats out boring security every time, even if it ends in a literal explosion!"

"Whoa.  Easy David," Lee holds his hands up placatingly.  "I still like you even if you are the  very antithesis of dangerous."

Sandi pats his hand comfortingly.  "You can't be the only non-self-destructive person out there, you'll find each other eventually."

"I'm plenty self-destructive, " David mutters, perhaps a bit too bitterly.  "I just never get the fireworks first."

"See David, that's why people do exciting but stupid things," John says, "We figure if it's all going pear-shaped anyway, we might as well enjoy the ride."

When the audience finishes laughing at this, Rob remembers it is supposed to be quick-fire lies, not a second round of home truths. "Lee's team, I need an answer.  What do you think?  Truth or lie?"

Lee looks at Rhod.

"Definitely true."

Then at John.

"True."

"It looks like we're all in agreement.  We think it's true."

"Okay David, tell us.  Is it a truth, or were you lying?"

"Of course it's true," David says, pushing his button.

 

David uses Lee's interrogation of Sandi, who is clearly lying about accidentally poisoning her neighbour, to try to talk himself out of a panic attack.  If Lee confronted him over the closet incident, he will certainly want to talk to David about what just happened.  Whereas up till now David wanted the taping over as quickly as possible, suddenly he wants it to last forever so he need never face Lee and the certainly uncomfortable questions he will have.

Unfortunately as he is thinking this, the end of show buzzer goes and Rob starts announcing the scores.  David registers dimly that his team has won and that Susan is this week's individual liar.  He decides that as soon as they are done the re-recordings he will make a break for it.  He has to swing by his dressing room for his jacket because his keys are in the pocket, but he can take off his makeup at home.  Yes, he thinks, this will work.  _And by the next time I see Lee he will have forgotten all about this. David is well aware that lying to himself is a self-destructive habit._

 

~

 

He almost makes it. He has the exit in sight when Lee barrels into the hallway.

"David!"

There is no way David can pretend not to hear in such an enclosed space, so he turns reluctantly around.

"Lee. I'm kind of in a rush so–"

"No you're not," Lee says matter-of-factly.  "We need to talk and I'm not taking 'no' for an answer."  Finally close enough, he grabs David's arm and steers him back towards the dressing rooms. David considers resisting, but really that would only put off the inevitable, and there is already enough awkwardness without David literally running away.

Lee doesn't speak until he's hustled David into his dressing room.  He takes David's jacket and tosses it over a nearby chair before crossing to his dressing table and finding a moist wipe which he holds out to David. 

"Here.  Clean off your face.  Am I really so scary you couldn't stick around long enough to remove your makeup for fear you'd have to talk to me?"

David takes the proffered wipe and crosses to the mirror where he begins fastidiously removing his makeup. "I'm not scared of you, Lee." Lee's face appears in the mirror over David's shoulder, but he resolutely avoids eye contact.

"Come on David," Lee cajoles.  "What are you so afraid of?"

"I'm not afraid," David asserts again, still refusing to look at Lee.

"Say it again and maybe I'll believe it."

Putting down the used facial wipe, David turns to face Lee and forces himself to meet his eyes. "I am not scared of you, Lee," he says firmly.

"Oookaay," Lee draws out the word, "then what are you afraid of?"

"Nothing!" David pauses. "Well lots of things obviously, but nothing relevant to this conversation."

"Then," Lee says with the air of someone springing a trap, "why were you running away?"

David has no answer, or at least not one he wants to give.  He starts a futile protest anyway, but Lee talks over him.

"Don't you want to talk about your illuminating little speech about how I'm the reason you're not having sex?"

David winces at the phrasing.  "Don't let it go to your head Lee, I was joking."

"Oh I see, you were joking. Then why are you so concerned about my reaction?"

"Because you have a habit of taking jokes too far," David retorts.

Lee looks genuinely a little hurt at this and draws back from where he's been slowly crowding David into the dressing table.

"Is that what's been happening David?  You could have said.  In fact, I thought you would at the beginning.  I mean it's no one's but your decision if you want to be uptight and repressed, and you're not usually shy about telling me off when I've crossed a line.  So when you didn't say anything I thought... I don't know, I guess I thought you enjoyed it too?"

David's mind is spinning.  Why hadn't he told Lee off?  He'd done it in the past when Lee really took a joke too far. But this time he hadn't, he'd felt that protesting would reveal too much, and also he had enjoyed it a bit.  Having Lee's constant attention like that?  It felt good, like Lee was performing just for him.  It was David's own reactions that he didn't trust, as demonstrated quite clearly this evening.

"Tell me to stop David, and I swear I will," Lee says, looking as serious as David has ever seen him.

David's shoulders sag.  "No Lee, it's okay," he pauses and then says carefully, "I just don't understand what's going on is all."

"Did you consider just asking?" Lee says, sounding exasperated but fond.

"Did you consider just telling me?" David retorts.

"I thought I was being plenty clear!" Lee exclaims, beginning to move into David's personal space again.

"Tell me now then," David says, feeling slightly breathless with Lee's increased proximity.

"Okay."  And Lee kisses David.

It's soft and moist, and David is so surprised that it's over before he's really processed what's happening.

"I think," he says huskily, "I'm glad you didn't do that on stage."

Lee laughs, and the sound does funny things to David's stomach.  He reaches out and pulls a still laughing Lee into another kiss.  Better prepared this time, David takes the lead, letting one hand worry the hair at the back of Lee's neck while the other snakes around Lee's back to pull his entire body flush against David's.  His whole body is alive with sensation, surrounded by the scent and taste and feel of Lee.  It's better than he'd imagined in all the fantasies he tried not to have.  Amazingly, for the moment, he isn't worrying about anything, so intent is he on mapping the inside of Lee's mouth with his tongue, and every bit of Lee's body available to his roaming hands.

When they finally separate, David's lips are tingling and his head feels light.  Lee looks dishevelled and slightly dazed and has a stupid grin on his face.

"Wow, Susan was not joking!"

David looks smug. "Come back to mine?"

"Won't that interfere with your night-time routine?" Lee teases.

“I think I’ll survive.”

“Then what are we waiting for? Let’s go.”

 

 

~End~

 

**Author's Note:**

> scheherazade I am sorry I could not do you a tumultuous affair fic, I just did not have it in me. This was tremendously fun to write though, and I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Susan's teenaged pastime of _slodging_ I borrowed from the inestimable Diana Wynne Jones's _Fire and Hemlock_. I have always loved that description, and it seems the sort of thing Susan might have done as a girl.


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